69. Fifty Shades Freed; movie review

FIFTY SHADES FREED
Cert 18
105 mins
BBFC advice: Contains strong sex

"A ticket for an hour and a half of boobs and bums, please!".
If only I had had the nerve to respond to what the attendant at Rugby Cineworld was clearly thinking about the middle-aged man who had appeared out of the rain in a big puffer jacket.
It struck me that the aforementioned jacket could have been seen as the equivalent of a 1970s dirty Mac and Fifty Shades Freed was the modern version of Emmanuelle.
Except that this soft porn is watch mainly by women.
A few hours after enduring James Foley's final episode in this trilogy I questioned Mrs W and Miss W on what women got out of watching ultra-privileged people have sex on the big screen.
Mrs W, who refuses to watch the Fifty Shades films, was baffled while Miss W believed that they were smitten by the fantasy.
The presumption from her conclusion is that 'normal' people have very boring lives.
In my opinion, Fifty Shades Freed would merely add to the drudgery.
Or perhaps the world is really as obsessed with Dakota Johnson's naked top half as Foley seems to be.
I haven't counted up the minutes that her bosom has been centre stage in these movies but I bet they have probably had more air-time than many of the world's best actors over the past three years.
In a close second place are Jamie Dornan's nipples, followed by his and Dakota's bottoms and the occasional flicker of pubic hair.
Fair play, Christian Grey (Dornan) and his new wife (Johnson) indulge in an admirable amount of sex, considering they are now married.
Indeed, they seem to be turned on at the drop of a hat (or flick of a spoon of ice cream).
Anyway, it turns out that Christian isn't the only one obsessed with his missus and much of the film surrounds the harassment of her former boss (Eric Johnson).
However, that particular drama is very secondary to the wealth, privilege, sex and jealousy in which the Greys are immersed.
I am surprised that Fifty Shades' fans are so taken with such vacuous characters but clearly they are seeing something I am not.

Reasons to watch: if you feel the need for 106 minutes of boobs and bums
Reasons to avoid: it really isn't much more than soft porn

Laughs: none
Jumps: none
Vomit: yes
Nudity: plenty
Overall rating: 3/10

Director quote - James Foley: "There were actually scenes that we shot where it was (full-frontal nudity). But in the final cut, I'm being totally honest, it just didn't come off. Full frontal would have been a kind of deliberate cut, to see that for no reason." 

The big question - What do women find so fascinating in such a dull movie?

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