71. Winchester; movie review

WINCHESTER
Cert 15
99 mins
BBFC advice: Contains strong horror, threat

Dame Helen Mirren - a commander of the order of the British Empire and an actress who is rightly honoured with a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame.
These accolades should mark her out as someone of distinction who should be relied on to make choices which are superior to the unheralded masses.
If so, why oh, why, oh, why, did she agree to play in this dismally low-grade horror?
Apparently, the real Winchester Mansion is the most haunted house in America but, despite the obvious potential of this backdrop, Michael and Peter Spierig fail to create one single scary moment.
The premise is that a drug-addled doctor (Jason Clarke) is sent by the Winchester arms company to assess the mental state of its head (Mirren).
Therefore, he goes to stay in her sprawling house which, curiously, is being permanently refurbished.
It transpires that the matriarch believes that the property is being haunted by the spirits of all of those killed by Winchester weapons and literally barricades their ghosts into its many rooms.
The premise is daft but that should not have been a bar to the film's potency - many haunted house horrors have had crazier plots but have been effective.
What I really couldn't fathom was why Dame Helen was so startlingly wooden and why Jason Clarke looks as though he has been weighed down by an anchor.
Sarah Snook, who plays Winchester's niece is another star name who is afflicted by the unintentional stiffness.
This meant that the more the film goes on, despite attempts to ratchet up the scares, the more Mrs W and I rolled our eyes.
And I am afraid there is nothing else to say. Winchester will forever be a blot on Dame Helen's CV.
I would love to know what she really thinks of it.

Reasons to watch: I guess any Helen Mirren picture has a reason
Reasons to avoid: it is meant to be horror but isn't remotely scary

Laughs: none
Jumps: one
Vomit: none
Nudity: none
Overall rating: 3.5/10

Director quote - Michael Spierig: "We shot a piece of the film at the real house. You get a really eerie feeling there and I think it’s because the house is so beautiful and expansive, it kind of sucks you in."

The big question: What was Helen Mirren thinking?

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