261. Diamantino; movie review

DIAMANTINO
Cert 15
97 mins
BBFC advice: Contains very strong language, discriminatory terms, sexualised nudity

What are the makers of Diamantino trying to say about Cristiano Ronaldo?
They portray the title character as vacuous, weak, susceptible to any suggestion and reliant on the image of giant fluffy dogs on the football field as inspiration to score a goal.
On the plus side, he is a nice guy who happens to be the best footballer in the world and, consequently, has his own mansion and luxury yacht.
And lives in a cocoon, removed from the difficult lives of many of his fans.
Gabriel Abrantes' movie stars Carloto Cotta as the title character - a strange mix of childish love and football genius.
He is exploited, Cinderella-style, by sisters (Anabela Moreira and  Margarida Moreira) who care nothing for him but live in the luxury he has made possible.
His destiny pivots on two moments - firstly when he misses a last-minute penalty in the World Cup final and, secondly, when he discovers the tragedy of refugees who cross the sea in search of a better life.
This inspires him to adopt his new son who is, in fact, a female financial investigator (Cleo Tavares).
No, it didn't make any sense to me either.
And I guess that, in a nutshell, was my beef about Diamantino - it is said to be a spoof of Ronaldo but I don't know enough about him to know whether it hits the mark.
Ok, I am aware of his children by surrogate mothers and that he has been facing inquiries over his finances but I felt that I needed to be more intimately acquainted with his life to appreciate fully the nuances of the movie.
Has he really been involved in mad science, genetic modification and a right-wing anti-EU conspiracy or are those elements allegorical?
Or is it simply that, in attempted to deflect any potential legal suits, the makers have made it so off-the-wall that its point is diluted?
Either way, I was perplexed and was so pre-occupied with trying to understand its target that I failed to enjoy it just for itself.

Reasons to watch: If you know Ronaldo enough to enjoy a surreal spoof
Reasons to avoid: Will be way too off-the-wall for most

Laughs: None
Jumps: None
Vomit: None
Nudity: Yes
Overall rating: 4/10

Did you know? According to Forbes magazine, Ronaldo made an estimated $93 million in 2017 alone, both through his contract with Real Madrid and his many lucrative sponsorships. In total, it’s estimated that he’s worth more than $400 million.

The final word. Daniel Schmidt: " Diamantino is a sci-fi, horror, noir, and romantic comedy mashup. It’s is a dark fairy tale for adults. But it’s not set in a make-believe “Once upon a time” neverland, it is set amid the conflicts of today: it’s the story of star-crossed lovers, in the middle of the refugee crisis, the Panama papers, and the rise of the extreme right."

Share this post