207. Artemis Fowl; movie review

ARTEMIS FOWL
Cert TBA
115 mins
BBFC advice: TBA

Blimey. What a waste of 125 million dollars.
For those of us who haven't read Eoin Colder's books, Artemis Fowl is almost impossible to follow despite its giant budget.
Indeed, only now have I learned that the title character (Ferdia Shaw) is a criminal mastermind.
From watching the movie, he seemed to me to be a frightened boy whose father (Colin Farrell) has been kidnapped by a mystery assailant.
"To save him, Artemis has to infiltrate an ancient, underground civilization—the amazingly advanced world of fairies—and bring the kidnapper the Aculos, the fairies’ most powerful and coveted magical device."
Or so Disney's publicity blurb says. The truth is that neither Mrs W nor I could work out what was going on.
However, our heads were turned when Judi Dench appeared as the leader of the fairies, complete with  curious Irish accent. Very strange.
From what we could make of it, there is a kerfuffle at the home of Artemis Fowl around the theft of relics. At the scene, British Intelligence arrests a kleptomaniac dwarf (Josh Gad) who isn't even short.
Under duress, he tells them the story of Artemis Fowl Jr.
This is a tale which confirms the existence of Irish fairies and other magical creatures as well as the efforts of the young boy and his butler (Nonso Anozie) to track down and save his dad.
A fairy police officer (Lara McDonnell) who looks 12 but is 84, is dispatched to help.
Artemis Fowl has taken nearly 20 years from concept to reality and director Kenneth Branagh suggests that could be down to complexities of the plot in the books on which it is based.
Consequently, he and his team have made structural changes in an effort to make it more accessible to audiences.
I can't imagine what sort of mess they think have untangled but the result is similar to that of a cat with a ball of wool.
Sure there are lots of dramatic special effects but they do not nearly make up for a baffling plotline and surprisingly stilted acting (no excuse for this bit, Kenneth).
I can completely understand why it was put on the Covid lockdown video-on-demand schedule because I am sure it would have bombed at cinemas.

Reasons to watch: Lots of hype
Reasons to avoid: Giant mess of a movie

Laughs: None
Jumps: None
Vomit: None
Nudity: None
Overall rating: 3.5/10

Did you know?  The first plans were announced for a film adaptation of the Artemis Fowl series of novels as early as 2001.  Miramax Films was named as purchasing the film rights with Lawrence Guterman signed to direct. In 2003, Eoin Colfer stated that a screenplay had been finalised and that casting was due to start the same year but expressed scepticism over whether or not this would come to pass.

The final word. Kenneth Branagh: "I came into a process of development, where those stories have been developed by film companies for 15 years and clearly they hadn’t worked. And so we arrived at this particular version, which, you pay us your money and takes your choice." Slash Film

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